C Shivakumar
Chennai:
It was 20 years ago that Chitra Palekar, a noted
theatre-person and filmmaker, came to know about her daughter’s sexual
orientation.
“It was one afternoon when she opened up to me. I have heard
about gays but never heard about Lesbians. Even though I am progressive, I
never knew what lesbian means. My ego was hurt, why did she not tell me
immediately,” said Chitra Palekar, who has scripted Marathi and Hindi films
like Thodasa Roomani Ho Jaaye, Kairee, Dhyass Parv besides producing quality
television serials like Kacchi Dhoop and Naqab.
“My daughter was regular person. She was good in her studies
and was also a state level badminton player. She was a honest person and
confided in me,” said Palekar.
“I was scared not for me but for her. What if somebody
speaks ill of her,” said Palekar highlighting how a parent would feel for her
loved one while trying to come to terms with her sexual orientation.
But it was her courage that changed things for her. “I began
to think. Do I have anything to be ashamed off. No. It was in my head. Why
should I worry what people think about me,” she said.
She reasoned are lesbians or gays different from the common
people. They all behave the same. “One has to look beyond their sexual
orientation. We must use logic. It is beyond sex. Gays and lesbians are similar
to hetrosexuals except that they want to live with somebody of the same sex, ”
says Chitra, who is one of the signatories of the Parents’ Petition in the
Supreme Court, in support of the Delhi High Court’s decriminalization of
homosexuality.
Now Palekar, who is here to meet the parents who have
undergone similar issues, has no problem about talking about her daughter’s
sexual orientation and even talks about her companion.
But not all parents are like Chitra Palekar. India is still
traditional and many families find it hard to recoil that one of their own is
different when it comes to sexual orientation.
Magdalene Jeyarathnam director of The East-West Center for
Counselling says parents are the worst hit once they come to know about their
child’s sexual orientation. “They cut themselves off from social gatherings.
They are shy of meeting even their close friends,” she says.
“Acceptance of children’s sexual orientation doesn’t happen
overnight. It is a process,” says Magdalene, who has been counseling nearly
five or six cases pertaining to LGBT communities a day.
She says people in Chennai are progressive unlike other
states. “There is no discrimination here. The parents or a family is fine if it
happens to a third person but when it is their own, they find it difficult to
accept them,” she adds.
She also advises parents against forcing their child into a
wedlock with somebody of the opposite sex despite knowing their homosexual
orientation. “The children require support and love. They are adults. Don’t
force them into marriage. They can look after themselves,” she says.
The news of the child’s sexual orientation shatters the
parents. They need a space to talk. I provide them a space to talk with each
other. The emotional connect begins and they begin to realize it is not only in
their family but every family does have this problem, says Magdalene.
L Ramakrishnan, country director of programmes and research,
Solidarity and Action Against The HIV Infection in India (SAATHI) and vulnteer
of Orinam says that the change in sexual orientation doesn’t happen due to
circumstances as shown in some films. The LGBT and supporter group Orinam helps
to network parents of LGBT children with each other. It also has online
resources including a handbook in English and Tamil for parents who want to
understand their children’s sexual orientation and their gender identity. These
are available online at Orinam.net.
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